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Study Objective

My name is ***. I would like to pursue master’s degree of Business Analyst in the field of Information Science. As follows study background, professional experience, and goals, incited me to apply for the education in the USA.

I was born and grew up in a city of ***, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. My interest to learn is an integral part of my personality from early school years. A year after a year at school and in university I proved to get excellent marks steadily. Besides the classes, I took part in competitions and conferences at school, city, and regional level.
Choosing a path of education I was driven by the interest to know how one can succeed in contemporary market economy. Good analytical skills and creative thinking became a starting point on the way to my bachelor’s degree in marketing. As a diligent student, I graduated with high GPA and got Diploma with honors.

Participation in the conference “Student research – potential of Russian science development” was one the most important events in my university activities. There I successfully presented results of my research and communicated with other researchers. As well, I’ve got an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”.

Desire to master my English language skills turned into getting a certificate of “Translator in the field of professional communication”. This extended education program helped me to discover and learn subtleties of Business communication. As a regular participant of the United Nations Models, I practiced business communication skills in English language.

With assistant’s position in the regional Economic Development Agency, I stepped into the practical world. There I was involved in development planning for unoccupied regional territories. I had regular opportunities to visit facilities of the leading enterprises of our region and to meet with representatives of investors on International Investment Forum. This activity helped me to understand the importance of business processes optimization as a core of high productivity. Again, I’ve been convinced of the need to deepen my knowledge in this field.

My first touch with business processes happened when I worked in the Internet agency. There I contributed to analysis and optimization of agency’s simple workflow. As a result, we increased the speed of work on projects which increased profits of the agency considerably.

Eventually, all my inquisitions draw me to a conclusion that many Russian enterprises need a consulting support to optimize production and business processes. This prospective incites me to pursue master’s degree in Business Analytics. The program incorporates knowledge from a variety of disciplines such as system analysis, decision science, data mining, information science, computer science, and marketing. Completing the program successfully I’ll obtain considerable skills, that will help me to make sound decisions as a business analyst and consultant.

When back to Russia, first I plan to seek employment as a business analyst in banking structure with concentration in banking applications and Customer Relationship Management systems (CRM). This kind of professional experience fortified with master’s degree knowledge will open me way to the field of business consulting and coaching. My ability to share a knowledge in open and confident manner will help me to pass the best experience to my students and clients. I truly hope that qualitative consulting aid will cause a positive impact on labor productivity on the microeconomic level. State institutions are one more category that needs optimization of business processes and integration of CRM systems. With this vision, I’d like to contribute to the further economic development of Russia.

Participation in Fulbright program is my chance to learn about optimization of business processes in the USA - the country with the highest rate of productivity and the fastest speed of transaction processing. It is to mention high-quality education in the USA as one more reason for me to apply. Good English language skills will help me to fit the student world in the USA easily. Studying in the country with leading economy system will enrich my understanding of sustainability of the USA in the economic development. In my turn, I’ll try my best to implement all the knowledge and experience to contribute to the growth of Russian economy.

Personal Statement

“Think globally, act locally” (Patrick Geddes)
My name is ***. The personal statement will guide you through circumstances incited me to pursue the master’s degree of Business Analyst in the field of Information Science in the USA.

I was born and grew up in a city of Krasnodar, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. Being a child, you only dream of new toys, candies and adventures with friends. And so did I when a politic situation in my country changed drastically. A wind of changes with no obstacle of an iron curtain altered the image of the country extremely. What can become a driving force for Russia’s long-term sustainable development? How can the country harness its potential to be more effective? These and many other questions puzzled the government and the answer ultimately took the form of the word “productivity”. Russia needs a new strategy of economic growth, based on the labor productivity that would exempt the country from the export dependency.

The questions of effectiveness and successful application of one’s advantages often stirred my mind as well. What can make one company more competitive than other? How can it use advantages to fit a market situation the best possible way? Passion for finding the answers helped me to choose marketing as a field of my professional development. Both in school and university I worked hard and proved to be a successful student. It resulted in the high GPA and Diploma with honors.
Natural curiosity and good English language skills incited me to go beyond the syllabus and review many foreign sources related to marketing. Marketing management became a subject of my special interest. Back then, I was impressed by the way business processes optimization can affect productivity of the enterprise.

Dynamic life outside of the academics helped me to build relationships not only with teachers and classmates. As a participant of a scientific conference, I presented results of my research and communicated with another colleagues-researchers. Afterward, I was granted an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”. It was a special experience for me to participate in the inter-university United Nations models. All the meetings were held in English language, where students could practice their business communication and teamwork skills.

My passion for practicing English language always motivated me to attend English clubs, where I could meet and communicate with people from different cultures. One more way to plunge into English speaking environment was helping to organize movie-nights for students. There we could watch movies and discuss them with English speakers. I’m always glad to share my knowledge and I have a chance to do it, volunteering as a counselor in English language camps for kids and teenagers. There I assisted in their daily life and communication with English speakers.

When I entered doors of an Economic Development Agency, the new chapter of my life began. As a member of the marketing department, I assisted in a development of the marketing part of business plans. Main task of the agency was drawing investors’ attention to vacant regional areas. Local affiliates of the international companies kindly organized walking tours in the production facilities for us. There I could see clear examples of the quality management and optimization of business processes, as a cornerstone of high productivity. One of the places where the agency could find potential investors, was International Investment Forum. There I could interact with representatives of investors from different countries. When asked, what is the primary aspect of an effective business, many of them specified well-tuned business processes. And one more puzzle set fire to my mind: this is the field I must direct my steps to.

My further working experience in the Internet agency became a great opportunity to deal with business processes optimization. As a part of the project team, I was involved in an analysis of the current workflow and its’ further optimization. Newly documented algorithms of work helped the agency to accomplish more projects at the same period of time and increase the revenue considerably.

Looking back, I can see how all the puzzles form now the distinct image: my first subtle ideas and assumptions of what can improve competitiveness turned into a vision and basic skills to be enhanced considerably. This need motivates me to pursue master’s degree in Business Analytics as a participant of Fulbright program. Strong skills of a business analyst fortified with master’s degree knowledge will open me way to the field of business consulting and coaching. There I will share my best knowledge and experience with students, companies and state institutions intending to enhance its productivity. I truly believe, that qualitative training and consulting aid will help to improve productivity indexes on the microeconomic level. With this goal in mind, I hope to contribute to the further sustainable economic development of Russia.

Если честно, то английский - очень корявенький. Много стилистических и грамматических ошибок.

Desire to master my English language skills turned into getting a certificate of “Translator in the field of professional communication”.

sigh…

Вообще хорошо, чувствуется практический опыт и постановка цели конкретная. Английский конечно лучше, чем у наших китайских товарищей, но аборигенов тоже со счетов не сбрасывайте. Отройте native speaker’а и доработайте напильником.

З.Ы. Не значал, что и такие магистерские программы есть. У них не попадаются стипендии для иностранцев? А то Фулбрайт же высылает домой после окончания (это минус, только при желании остаться конечно). И у меня сложилось впечатление, что Фулбрайт и прочие прораммы как-то сильно наклоенены в плоскость гуманитарных наук…

I was born and grew up in a city of ***, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. My interest to learn is an integral part of my personality from early school years. A year after a year at school and in university I proved to get excellent marks steadily. Besides the classes, I took part in competitions and conferences at school, city, and regional level.
–>Personal Statement.

As a diligent student, I graduated with high GPA and got Diploma with honors.
Так какое у вас конкретно обрaзование на данный момент?

Participation in the conference “Student research – potential of Russian science development” was one the most important events in my university activities. There I successfully presented results of my research and communicated with other researchers.
Так для вас было важным в конференции поучаствовать (что практически ничего не значит) или результатами исследований (которые важны для подобных программ, а о них ни слова!) поделиться. Исследованиями чего конкретно вы занимались? Результаты какие были?

As well, I’ve got an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”.
О чем конкретно?

There I was involved in development planning for unoccupied regional territories. I had regular opportunities to visit facilities of the leading enterprises of our region
Примеры. Иначе блабла.

Personal Statement
Решите, что идет в Study Objective, а что в Personal Statement. И уберите повторения.

Найдите кого-нибудь, кто выправит все ошибки. Учитывая полную ж…(зачеркнуто) беду с артиклями, их много у вас.

буквоеды:)

Программа называется Fulbright…

Это просто…убила.

Благодарю вас за ответы!
Ваше мнение очень важно для меня. Буду работать над правками.

Юлик, благодарю вас за подробный разбор, учту в правках.

Благодарю вас за совет. Предстоит еще полировать :wink:

Вы знаете, в программе есть дисциплина Information Science. Это довольно широкое поле знаний, включающее разные дисциплины. Выдержка из Википедии: Information science is often (mistakenly) considered a branch of Library science; however, it predates computer science and is actually a broad, interdisciplinary field, incorporating not only aspects of computer science, but often diverse fields such as archival science, cognitive science, commerce, communications, law, library science, museology, management, mathematics, philosophy, public policy, and the social sciences.

По этой причине я выбрала бизнес-аналитику как направление системного анализа в составе области знаний “Информатика” (Information Science). Как-то так :slight_smile:

Я бы смотрел не в Вики, а как они конкретно описывают это в программе, вы же не в Википедии собераетесь учиться.

Да, спасибо, вы правы. Вот, например, какое место уделяется обработке информации в мастерской программе университета Остин, Техас: Business analytics is the science of translating vast amounts of complex data into clear, manageable information in order to make sound decisions. Master of Science - Business Analytics | McCombs School of Business
Такую связь я попыталась провести в эссе.

Не хочу вас расстраивать, но чего-то перечитав эссе несколько раз я связи не увидел… Это возможно из-за дурацкого слова Analytics.

Вот вы пишите про бизнес анализ, оптимизацию бизнес процессов в своем эссе. А например, программа Master of Science in Business Analytics, на которую вы ссылались, готовит по сути то, что щас называют, data scientists - этакие компьютерные nerds (ака ботаны, задроты :lol:), ковыряющиеся в больших объемах данных с помощью какого-нибудь R языка программирования - “The program … combines classroom experiences in statistics, data mining, and programming.” Короче ботаны-программисты, такие даже на великах обычно не умеют. :slight_smile:

Это точно, то что вы хотите? По вашему эссе я понял, что вы хотите быть business analyst в классическом понимании этого слова.

  1. The program is called Fulbright.

  2. Your essay looks more like a biography. That’s the most common mistake of the new applicants. No one in USA is interested in your 3rd world life struggles. Tell them something positive, interesting, and unique, that shows a potential leadership in your character. Maybe an example of how you helped solve some problem, overcame a challenge, why you are better than your peers. If you insist on tying this essay to your biography, make it a story of chasing the bigger goal, like something bothered you since your childhood and Fulbright is your ultimate chance to achieve it. Don’t try to be modest, or the Americans will think you are hiding something.

  3. Your grammar is poor, and style is kind of hard to catch. For example, “the highest rate of productivity and the fastest speed of transaction processing” is too long, like you are trying to fill it up with words, rather than context. The same sentence could be rephrased as follows: “the highest productivity and fastest transactions”.

  4. When I was working on my essay for a school, I wrote a long story, several pages of everything I wanted to tell the world how cool and awesome I was compared to my peers. Then I cherry picked the most important context for 2 pagea, polished grammar and style. Your grammar is better than mine was back then. This essay is a good starting point.

Да, я хотела бы изучать методы анализа, проектирования бизнесс-процессов в организации.
На данный момент я только начала поиск университетов, которые можно указать в качестве желаемого места распределения.
Здесь, например, также есть привязка Information Science (data science) в описании Business analytics program: Program Structure | Carlson School of Management

Хотела бы уточнить у вас: вы не увидели связи в эссе между Business analytics и Information Science?
Мне важно понять, какие акценты добавить.
Благодарю вас.

Many thanks for your points!

анализ и проектирование именно бизнес процессов имеет мало общего с Information Science.
Вы в будущем хотите
[ul]
[li]работать, по сути, программистом и погрязнуть в языках программирования и структурах данных; анализировать данные; и оптимизировать запросы и алгоритмы? [/li]или
[li]анализировать бизнес и бизнес процессы, оптимизировать бизнес процессы, оптимизировать производство, и повышать прибыли и прочие KPIs?[/li][/ul]

Если второе, то программы, на которые вы приводите сслыки - не про это

Продолжаю поиски, думаю это уже ближе:
INF4018W - Department of Information Systems- University of Cape Town : Faculty of Commerce
Graduate Diploma of Information Technology Business Analysis | Courses | Swinburne University | Melbourne, Australia

Вы знаете, посмотрела программы университетов по Business analytics. Они делают упор на Big Data Analysis.
Попробовала искать по запросу Business/enterprise architecture - удалось найти уже что-то более похожее на бизнес-моделирование:
Widener University | Master in Business Process Innovation
Penn State Online | Master of Professional Studies in Enterprise Architecture
https://www2.kent.edu/dsci/enterprisearchitecture/
Graduate School USA - Enterprise Architecture

Только возникают сомнения: эти программы уже ближе к “Economics” или “Information science”. Возможно стоит поменять дисциплину, как Вы считаете?

Daria, может Economics, а может быть даже Management или MBA, я не знают доступны ли эти программы через Fulbright.

Возможно я ошибся, но мне показалось, что Information science - это не то, что вы акцентировали в эссе, и возможно не то, чем вы хотите потом заниматься.

Просто на заметку: Analytics, Big Data, Data Mining, Data Analysis, Data Analitics, Data Warehousing, Business Intelegence, Information Management, Data Management, Information Architecture, Information science… - если упор в описание программ делается на подобные buzzwords (хорошо бы было еще на часы по дисциплинам посмотреть), то 98% , что обучать будут больше технологиям и программированию, по сути, чем бизнесу.

P.S. Если цель всей затеи уехать и попытаться остаться, тогда просто смотрите куда легче попасть.

Благодарю вас за комментарии к первой версии эссе. Все комментарии были очень полезными для меня и я постаралась их учесть в работе над 2-й версией.
Буду вам очень признательна за ваше внимание и комментарии.

Personal Statement

“Think globally, act locally” (Patrick Geddes)
My name is Daria Kurdik. I would like to pursue a Master’s Degree degree in the field of Information Sciences in the USA. The concentration within the field is Enterprise Architecture and Information Systems.
I was born and grew up in a city of Krasnodar, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. I was interested in learning from my early school years. I worked hard to get good grades in high school. Besides the classes, I actively took part in competitions and conferences at school, city, and regional level. Spirit of competition incited me to do my best when I passed graduate exams and entered a university.

The questions of effectiveness often stirred my mind. What can make one company more competitive than other? How can it use advantages to fit a market situation the best possible way? Passion for finding the answers helped me to choose Marketing as a field of my professional development. I graduated from Krasnodar State University of Culture and Arts in 2009 with a degree of Specialist in markets. Desire to get top grades motivated me to work hard It resulted in the high GPA and Diploma with honors.

Natural curiosity incited me to review many foreign sources related to marketing. Marketing management became a subject of my special interest. I discovered marketing leverage, which make a customer aware of a product. But what can help a business to respond customer’s needs faster with fewer costs? Back then, I was impressed how well-tuned business processes can affect an effectiveness of an enterprise.

I did my practical work as a third-year student in a local consulting agency. There I was engaged in analysis of a competitive environment of consulting services market in Krasnodar. I’ve got very interested and kept on researching in this field when writing graduate thesis. Results of my work became a base of development strategy for the agency.
My activities both social and academic helped me to build relationships with many people. I was a participant in university conference “Student research – potential of Russian science development”. There I successfully presented results of research on a topic “Influence of corporate ethic standards on working relations”. I was granted an opportunity to publish them in the university annual edition “Alma Mater”.

It was a special experience for me to participate in the inter-university United Nations models in Krasnodar and Saint Petersburg. All the meetings were held in English language, where students could practice business communication and teamwork skills.

My passion for English language always motivated me to communicate with people from different cultures. I helped to organize movie-nights for students with native English speakers. There we could watch movies and discuss them. In terms of academics, I successfully completed a certificate program on English Language Theory and Practice.
It is my pleasure to be helpful and volunteer for different social groups. Thus, I was a counselor of a group of teenagers in winter English camp. I helped them to build relationships and practise English language with native speakers. The most inspirational volunteering experience of mine was with a handicapped person. During five days, I was a personal helper 24 hours in a day. This kind of experience taught me to keep on dreaming and pursuing my goals, in spite of hindrances on my way.

My career started when I entered doors of Economic Development Agency. As a member of a marketing department, I assisted in writing marketing part of business plans. Main task of the agency was drawing investors’ attention to vacant regional areas. Local affiliates of international companies kindly organized walking tours for us. The most impressing tour I took inside the walls of International Tobacco Company “Philip Morris”. Cooperation between departments and quality management was accomplished by state-of-art information systems. There I could see clear organisational structure and optimized business processes as a cornerstone of high productivity. And one more puzzle set fire to my mind: this is the field I must direct my steps to.

My further working experience in the Internet agency was connected with business processes optimization. As a part of a project team, I was involved in an analysis of organisational structure and workflow and its’ further enhancement. Newly documented procedures helped the agency to speed up and increase the revenue considerably.

Now I can see how all the puzzles make up a picture. My first subtle ideas and assumptions of what can improve effectiveness, turned into a vision and basic skills I must develop considerably. This need motivates me to pursue Master’s degree in the USA in as a participant of Fulbright program. Winning Fulbright grant would be more than just an honour for me. It is an ultimate chance to fulfill my dream. I would like to learn how an enterprise can benefit from effective application of information systems. Studying in the USA where a productivity is highest and transactions are fastest, will help me to gain solid theoretical base and practical skills of the subjects. In my turn, I’ll try my best to implement all the knowledge and experience to contribute to the growth of Russian economy.